Tag Archives: recovery

Thoughts on Forgiveness

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When someone you’ve loved for all of your life, with all of your bleedin’ heart, betrays you… again. And again. I don’t think the pain and grief and anger and deception are the worst part of the experience.  The walking on eggshells, the faking it, the concessions, I don’t think these are the sharpest part of the blade.  I think the cruelest part, the unbearable part, the hide under the covers and sob part is when that same person is offended by your grief, bent out of shape over your broken heart. As if you shouldn’t be hurt, you shouldn’t be taken with despair, you shouldn’t be sent into a tailspin of confusion and anger and sadness and questions, so, so many questions. No, you should just forgive, again, you should just forgive and let it all go. Ignore the hurt, ignore the lies, ignore the betrayal, ignore the deception. Ignore the fact that nothing has changed. Forgive and go right back to where you all were before. You take that half-hearted two sentence apology scribbled on a cheap card without a single “I” of responsibility and you shove it down your tight throat and forgive. After all, it’s what Christians do.

Here’s the rub. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in it heart and soul. No matter the offense, I believe in the power forgiveness affords when we let go of the notion it could have, should have, been different. I believe in compassion, I believe in diplomacy and kindness and generosity and mercy. I believe in forgoing vengeance, getting even and settling the score. I believe in giving grace to those who have wronged us and offering a genuine smile when we might be justified in giving a smirk.  BUT, it’s the steps just beyond forgiveness where our opinions on the matter can quickly part ways.  I don’t believe we have to take our offender to lunch. I don’t believe we have to open the doors of our heart or home to let them in and pretend some more, not without evidence of a heart made right. We don’t have to perform and carry off the burdensome weight of a grand charade when it’s really just dead family walking, wrapped in denial and false hope. Nope, I don’t believe in that part. I won’t participate in that part. Not anymore.

Forgiveness is necessary, it brings peace to all parties, even those we believe are unworthy. Relationship, however, is optional. And not choosing the latter does not make me an unforgiving person. It makes me safe. It reserves a spot in my heart for the future possibility that renewal can occur, it allows me the reassuring comfort of that fancy notion, love always wins. Relationship takes two and if I wait patiently for the other party to join the dance, well then there is hope. This hope gives me enough room to breathe, enough room to believe in the someday…

 

Good Fences…

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I’ve been thinking and researching a lot about boundaries over the past year, especially as they pertain to family. Some reflections on my findings…in all honesty, it’s kind of a letter to myself.

A boundary is a definitive place you establish to show where your responsibility ends and the other person’s begins. Healthy boundaries prevent you from doing for others what they should do for themselves. You can’t complain about someone crossing that line if you fail to establish it. Love and boundaries are parallels, not opposites. Setting boundaries is not giving up on someone, it is not turning your back. Boundaries are not a lack of forgiveness. Boundaries are the healthiest action we can take to ensure pain and hurt end and the opportunity for a new, healthy relationship has a chance to grow from forgiveness. Setting boundaries is not a rigid act carried out in anger or haste just because someone you love has made a few mistakes. We all make mistakes and love, grace and forgiveness should always be the first step when someone we love has done wrong. That said, if the one you love continues these “mistakes” to the point where they become chronic behaviors that cause you pain and take advantage of your love, grace and forgiveness, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the relationship. Boundaries communicate to the one we love, “Your choices and behaviors continue to hurt me and I don’t accept it any longer. I love you, but I love me too.” Boundaries protect you both.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “You can’t force a person to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” Or this one, “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” How true is that!? I firmly believe that the degree to which we are respected has to do with two things, how we treat and respect others and the treatment we allow from others. One of my favorite little nuggets of wisdom from Maya Angelou, “When other people show you who they are, believe them!” When someone you love shows you who they really are by the unhealthy behavior they continue to choose, don’t ignore it, in doing so you are essentially giving them your blessing! People only treat you one way, the way you allow them.

Though difficult, establishing boundaries is not goodbye, boundaries are not quitting, boundaries are essential markers in relationships by which we say, “This is where I allow love, trust, respect, hope and reciprocation in my life. Abuse, lies, betrayal, active addiction, excuses, etc., remain outside.” It is perfectly acceptable to establish boundaries while maintaining an active hope that the relationship can begin anew at some point in the future. I like how the author explains it in the book Beyond Boundaries. This “new relationship” has the best chance of developing if the one you love confesses his/her wrong, takes ownership of their mistakes, shows genuine remorse and changed behavior long-term. “The degree to which these things are evident – or absent – is the degree to which you can feel safe about trusting this individual again.” – Townsend

If establishing boundaries prompts the person to walk away, let them go. Don’t chase unhealthy people. Remember, you can’t force someone to respect you. It is better to know where you stand, and stand in health and safety, than to continue in a relationship where the other person will not participate unless they are allowed to walk all over you. Don’t ever take a fence down until your loved one knows why it was put up, doing so simply allows what is wrong to continue. Taking a boundary down prematurely is giving permission to the other individual to continue as they were and certain destruction will follow.

Lastly, in spite of all the hurt you may have experienced and even continue to feel after boundaries are erected, always, always, always walk in love, grace, humility and compassion. Don’t trade pain for pain, hurt for hurt, insult for insult. If this is a struggle for you, remember, sometimes silence is the loudest message.