When someone you’ve loved for all of your life, with all of your bleedin’ heart, betrays you… again. And again. I don’t think the pain and grief and anger and deception are the worst part of the experience.  The walking on eggshells, the faking it, the concessions, I don’t think these are the sharpest part of the blade.  I think the cruelest part, the unbearable part, the hide under the covers and sob part is when that same person is offended by your grief, bent out of shape over your broken heart. As if you shouldn’t be hurt, you shouldn’t be taken with despair, you shouldn’t be sent into a tailspin of confusion and anger and sadness and questions, so, so many questions. No, you should just forgive, again, you should just forgive and let it all go. Ignore the hurt, ignore the lies, ignore the betrayal, ignore the deception. Ignore the fact that nothing has changed. Forgive and go right back to where you all were before. You take that half-hearted two sentence apology scribbled on a cheap card without a single “I” of responsibility and you shove it down your tight throat and forgive. After all, it’s what Christians do.

Here’s the rub. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in it heart and soul. No matter the offense, I believe in the power forgiveness affords when we let go of the notion it could have, should have, been different. I believe in compassion, I believe in diplomacy and kindness and generosity and mercy. I believe in forgoing vengeance, getting even and settling the score. I believe in giving grace to those who have wronged us and offering a genuine smile when we might be justified in giving a smirk.  BUT, it’s the steps just beyond forgiveness where our opinions on the matter can quickly part ways.  I don’t believe we have to take our offender to lunch. I don’t believe we have to open the doors of our heart or home to let them in and pretend some more, not without evidence of a heart made right. We don’t have to perform and carry off the burdensome weight of a grand charade when it’s really just dead family walking, wrapped in denial and false hope. Nope, I don’t believe in that part. I won’t participate in that part. Not anymore.

Forgiveness is necessary, it brings peace to all parties, even those we believe are unworthy. Relationship, however, is optional. And not choosing the latter does not make me an unforgiving person. It makes me safe. It reserves a spot in my heart for the future possibility that renewal can occur, it allows me the reassuring comfort of that fancy notion, love always wins. Relationship takes two and if I wait patiently for the other party to join the dance, well then there is hope. This hope gives me enough room to breathe, enough room to believe in the someday…