I’ve been thinking and researching a lot about boundaries over the past year, especially as they pertain to family. Some reflections on my findings…in all honesty, it’s kind of a letter to myself.

A boundary is a definitive place you establish to show where your responsibility ends and the other person’s begins. Healthy boundaries prevent you from doing for others what they should do for themselves. You can’t complain about someone crossing that line if you fail to establish it. Love and boundaries are parallels, not opposites. Setting boundaries is not giving up on someone, it is not turning your back. Boundaries are not a lack of forgiveness. Boundaries are the healthiest action we can take to ensure pain and hurt end and the opportunity for a new, healthy relationship has a chance to grow from forgiveness. Setting boundaries is not a rigid act carried out in anger or haste just because someone you love has made a few mistakes. We all make mistakes and love, grace and forgiveness should always be the first step when someone we love has done wrong. That said, if the one you love continues these “mistakes” to the point where they become chronic behaviors that cause you pain and take advantage of your love, grace and forgiveness, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the relationship. Boundaries communicate to the one we love, “Your choices and behaviors continue to hurt me and I don’t accept it any longer. I love you, but I love me too.” Boundaries protect you both.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “You can’t force a person to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” Or this one, “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” How true is that!? I firmly believe that the degree to which we are respected has to do with two things, how we treat and respect others and the treatment we allow from others. One of my favorite little nuggets of wisdom from Maya Angelou, “When other people show you who they are, believe them!” When someone you love shows you who they really are by the unhealthy behavior they continue to choose, don’t ignore it, in doing so you are essentially giving them your blessing! People only treat you one way, the way you allow them.

Though difficult, establishing boundaries is not goodbye, boundaries are not quitting, boundaries are essential markers in relationships by which we say, “This is where I allow love, trust, respect, hope and reciprocation in my life. Abuse, lies, betrayal, active addiction, excuses, etc., remain outside.” It is perfectly acceptable to establish boundaries while maintaining an active hope that the relationship can begin anew at some point in the future. I like how the author explains it in the book Beyond Boundaries. This “new relationship” has the best chance of developing if the one you love confesses his/her wrong, takes ownership of their mistakes, shows genuine remorse and changed behavior long-term. “The degree to which these things are evident – or absent – is the degree to which you can feel safe about trusting this individual again.” – Townsend

If establishing boundaries prompts the person to walk away, let them go. Don’t chase unhealthy people. Remember, you can’t force someone to respect you. It is better to know where you stand, and stand in health and safety, than to continue in a relationship where the other person will not participate unless they are allowed to walk all over you. Don’t ever take a fence down until your loved one knows why it was put up, doing so simply allows what is wrong to continue. Taking a boundary down prematurely is giving permission to the other individual to continue as they were and certain destruction will follow.

Lastly, in spite of all the hurt you may have experienced and even continue to feel after boundaries are erected, always, always, always walk in love, grace, humility and compassion. Don’t trade pain for pain, hurt for hurt, insult for insult. If this is a struggle for you, remember, sometimes silence is the loudest message.