Monthly Archives: September 2014

In the Ordinary

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I believe that we must look for the amazing within the ordinary. Seek in the low, humble places. It finds us there. I think this can be especially true for parents of children with unique needs.

Our son is autistic. One of the tenants of an autistic personality can be the inability to interpret other’s emotions, words, body language, etc. This can lead to moments of embarrassment and misunderstanding, but most importantly, it makes navigating social circles exceptionally difficult for the child. This has been true with our son. In the midst of wading through social interactions that appear immediately obvious to me, he has posed questions countless times, “Mom, was that rude? Mom, is that funny? Mom, is that mean? Mom, are you mad?” Over time, with instruction, reinforcement, social stories, pictures and lots and lots of “get yer sleeves rolled up we’re goin’ out in the big ole world to practice this,” he has grown to understand more and more. Social cues, nuances, inuendo may not come instinctively for him, but my hope is that through all of this effort, eventually these things will become second nature. This effort can be abundantly exhausting, but I will never, never, ever give up. You see, I’m learning too, learning to see the treasures.

It had been the proverbial long day of a parent. The tired, spent, frustrated, doubting, sometimes guilt-ridden, I can’t take another minute, kind of day. And there I was. Sitting in the ordinary, inhaling the long awaited quiet. From the shadows I heard his feet. Shuffling, tipsy, drunk with slumber. He came up behind me and reached for my arm. Just as I was to drop my head, his sweet words filled my heart and soul. “Mommy, I was trying so hard to go to sleep and I really was trying, but I just wanted to say that I love you.” He leaned in hard and wrapped his arms around my neck, like Summer nectar, thick and lingering. He’s changed me. I don’t fight it anymore. I await the ordinary and anticipate the magnificence of my Lord who loves me in these low, humble places. I find Him there.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

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When someone you’ve loved for all of your life, with all of your bleedin’ heart, betrays you… again. And again. I don’t think the pain and grief and anger and deception are the worst part of the experience.  The walking on eggshells, the faking it, the concessions, I don’t think these are the sharpest part of the blade.  I think the cruelest part, the unbearable part, the hide under the covers and sob part is when that same person is offended by your grief, bent out of shape over your broken heart. As if you shouldn’t be hurt, you shouldn’t be taken with despair, you shouldn’t be sent into a tailspin of confusion and anger and sadness and questions, so, so many questions. No, you should just forgive, again, you should just forgive and let it all go. Ignore the hurt, ignore the lies, ignore the betrayal, ignore the deception. Ignore the fact that nothing has changed. Forgive and go right back to where you all were before. You take that half-hearted two sentence apology scribbled on a cheap card without a single “I” of responsibility and you shove it down your tight throat and forgive. After all, it’s what Christians do.

Here’s the rub. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in it heart and soul. No matter the offense, I believe in the power forgiveness affords when we let go of the notion it could have, should have, been different. I believe in compassion, I believe in diplomacy and kindness and generosity and mercy. I believe in forgoing vengeance, getting even and settling the score. I believe in giving grace to those who have wronged us and offering a genuine smile when we might be justified in giving a smirk.  BUT, it’s the steps just beyond forgiveness where our opinions on the matter can quickly part ways.  I don’t believe we have to take our offender to lunch. I don’t believe we have to open the doors of our heart or home to let them in and pretend some more, not without evidence of a heart made right. We don’t have to perform and carry off the burdensome weight of a grand charade when it’s really just dead family walking, wrapped in denial and false hope. Nope, I don’t believe in that part. I won’t participate in that part. Not anymore.

Forgiveness is necessary, it brings peace to all parties, even those we believe are unworthy. Relationship, however, is optional. And not choosing the latter does not make me an unforgiving person. It makes me safe. It reserves a spot in my heart for the future possibility that renewal can occur, it allows me the reassuring comfort of that fancy notion, love always wins. Relationship takes two and if I wait patiently for the other party to join the dance, well then there is hope. This hope gives me enough room to breathe, enough room to believe in the someday…