Monthly Archives: December 2013

Good Fences…

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I’ve been thinking and researching a lot about boundaries over the past year, especially as they pertain to family. Some reflections on my findings…in all honesty, it’s kind of a letter to myself.

A boundary is a definitive place you establish to show where your responsibility ends and the other person’s begins. Healthy boundaries prevent you from doing for others what they should do for themselves. You can’t complain about someone crossing that line if you fail to establish it. Love and boundaries are parallels, not opposites. Setting boundaries is not giving up on someone, it is not turning your back. Boundaries are not a lack of forgiveness. Boundaries are the healthiest action we can take to ensure pain and hurt end and the opportunity for a new, healthy relationship has a chance to grow from forgiveness. Setting boundaries is not a rigid act carried out in anger or haste just because someone you love has made a few mistakes. We all make mistakes and love, grace and forgiveness should always be the first step when someone we love has done wrong. That said, if the one you love continues these “mistakes” to the point where they become chronic behaviors that cause you pain and take advantage of your love, grace and forgiveness, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the relationship. Boundaries communicate to the one we love, “Your choices and behaviors continue to hurt me and I don’t accept it any longer. I love you, but I love me too.” Boundaries protect you both.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “You can’t force a person to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” Or this one, “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” How true is that!? I firmly believe that the degree to which we are respected has to do with two things, how we treat and respect others and the treatment we allow from others. One of my favorite little nuggets of wisdom from Maya Angelou, “When other people show you who they are, believe them!” When someone you love shows you who they really are by the unhealthy behavior they continue to choose, don’t ignore it, in doing so you are essentially giving them your blessing! People only treat you one way, the way you allow them.

Though difficult, establishing boundaries is not goodbye, boundaries are not quitting, boundaries are essential markers in relationships by which we say, “This is where I allow love, trust, respect, hope and reciprocation in my life. Abuse, lies, betrayal, active addiction, excuses, etc., remain outside.” It is perfectly acceptable to establish boundaries while maintaining an active hope that the relationship can begin anew at some point in the future. I like how the author explains it in the book Beyond Boundaries. This “new relationship” has the best chance of developing if the one you love confesses his/her wrong, takes ownership of their mistakes, shows genuine remorse and changed behavior long-term. “The degree to which these things are evident – or absent – is the degree to which you can feel safe about trusting this individual again.” – Townsend

If establishing boundaries prompts the person to walk away, let them go. Don’t chase unhealthy people. Remember, you can’t force someone to respect you. It is better to know where you stand, and stand in health and safety, than to continue in a relationship where the other person will not participate unless they are allowed to walk all over you. Don’t ever take a fence down until your loved one knows why it was put up, doing so simply allows what is wrong to continue. Taking a boundary down prematurely is giving permission to the other individual to continue as they were and certain destruction will follow.

Lastly, in spite of all the hurt you may have experienced and even continue to feel after boundaries are erected, always, always, always walk in love, grace, humility and compassion. Don’t trade pain for pain, hurt for hurt, insult for insult. If this is a struggle for you, remember, sometimes silence is the loudest message.

Spanx

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This post is for ladies only.  Gentleman, you’ve been warned.

Ahhh, Spanx.  Many a gal has sung her praises.  I’ve tried. I mean “engaged in cardiovascular contortion” tried. But, despite the damage done in pregnancy, I just work with what the good Lord gave me and let it all fall where it may. So, I find myself perplexed that on Christmas Eve, after losing over 30 lbs in 2013, something came over me and I still felt the need to give them Spanx a whirl. I use “whirl” literally. You see, as I started the process by which I hoist the Spanx over my “target area” I damn near landed in the hospital.  With only one leg in the Spanx, I “balanced” there like a drunken sailor on violent surging seas. I was rendered helpless.  I couldn’t stop it.  I “whirled” around, crashed into my jewelry cabinet, launching my faux pearls yonder. I’ve yet to retrieve them. Being mauled by a bear would have been quieter. “Spastic” comes to mind.

After gaining my composure, I attempted the second leg.  Call me an innovator gals, but I think I’ve got something here… If you want a true workout, the kind that draws the sweat from the core of your being, just put on a pair of Spanx. Because, prior to fully securing my second leg in this sling, I achieved a lather to rival an MMA fighter. I lost 2 pounds. I had mascara running down my cheeks. My carefully straightened hair had reached colossal fuzziness. I was wheezing. Baby Jesus, help ME!

Then, I hear from the distant shadows, “Did someone fall!?”  Thank you family! Though your ten minute delay illustrates your grave concern, overlook the bleeding about my shin, all is well.  

Alas, I had completely enclosed my lower body into the Spanx, successfully cordoning off my “target area”. Still panting like a rabid dog, I then did the worst. thing. imaginable.  I went and looked in the mirror.  Apparently this nylon prison had squeezed the sense right out of me. Ignoring the four inch sag at my crotch, I waddled toward my reflection to get a full view.  Why, Cam?  To see the glorious results of compressing myself into a sausage casing!?  To relish in victory?  No. I cried ladies. I cried hard. Sure, I didn’t have panty lines, but I looked like a cross-dressing Tammy Faye Baker… after being mauled by a bear. Lack of panty lines is kind of a lost bonus feature if I look like an overly quenched sailor in drag…at church.

Sufficiently cinched, I shuffled downstairs. Without looking up Curtis said, “You look great sweetie.” You lying son of a…  Off we went to service.  I was perpetually light headed. I sweat. all. evening. I had no feeling in my legs and my gate resembled that of a horse on parade. Clippity clop, joy to the world. The lack of blood to my lower extremities must have shrunk my feet, ‘cause with each step my shoes flew off. Maybe that’s where I lost the 2 pounds.  It was fantastic.

Sing Spanx praises if you wish sisters, but I fail to see the draw. Spanx are dangerous. Spanx are exhausting. Spanx nearly put me in the ER. Can you even imagine that conversation!?  “Oh doctor, pay no mind to the gaping wound on my shin, the more conspicuous matter at hand is this girl don’t have panty lines!! And, watch me dance Doc, NO jiggle!”  Can I get a witness!?

Fifty Shades of Red

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So this happened today…for reals. Was at the grocery this mornin’ looking at a bottle of wine, strictly for gift-giving purposes. Anyhooo, as I reached for an old standby, I hear this chipper, “Can I help you pick out six bottles of wine!?” I turn to see a friendly gal overly bedazzled with Christmas cheer. I make eye contact and she heads toward me. I ask, “Uhh, six bottles??” She said, “Oh yes, we’re having our wine sale! Buy six bottles and get 20% off.” I said, “Oh, good deal, I’ll check it out, thanks.” I proceed to reach for my one bottle and she says, “Ahhh, do you like that Fancy Pants wine?” I said, “I, uh, do, it’s not bad, I like a sweet wine….” She gets excited, “Ohhh, girl, have you seen the NEW Fifty Shades of Grey wine!!!?” Me, “Uhhh, nooo.” She continues, “Oh yes, it’s right over here, we have white and red!!” She jingled as she walked. A little uncomfortable I say, “Ohhh my, look at that! Well, I’ve not read the book, so…” She interrupts, “Me neither! I thought they were kinda gross. (chuckles) Guess I’m not kinky!” Slightly more uncomfortable, I hesitantly participate, “Yeeah, well me neither I guess, must be getting old…I’m more into Little House on the Prairie…” Interrupts again, “Besides, I’m just gonna be honest with ya! (I wish she wouldn’t, please don’t be honest…for the love of all things holy, do NOT be honest with me!) What if my husband sees me reading that stuff and starts to, ya know, get some ideas and expect something!?” She explodes into laughter aaand coupled with her bells it was quite the festive performance. I however, broke out in a nervous sweat and turned Fifty Shades of Red! Never bought six bottles of wine so fast in my life!

Merry, merry!