It’s a rite of passage for many children, the loss of a golden finned friend. Last night was our turn as we bid adieu to Goldie and Abraham, who had succumb to the perils of tank life. Daddy scooped them up and we gathered around the throne. He tossed them in and gave a chipper, “All drains lead to the ocean!” He looked at me giggling and I nodded “no,” the smile fell from his face. L said, “I’d like to say a few words.” We waited. “I can’t do it!” he cried. S stepped up, “I’ll speak. Goldie, you were a good fish. We will miss you terribly. (Apparently Abraham failed to make an impression on her, but I digress). You are free now, no longer in pain. So Goldie, go to the heaven’s to be with the other angels…and great Grandpa.” I glance over at C, he’s hunched over and head bowed, his shoulders shaking. Is he losing it? Gonna hurl? Get a grip man, they’re 19 cents! No, he’s straining to control his unbridled laughter! L literally falls into my arms bawling, “GOLDIEEEEE!” Daddy gives the flush and I imagine a tiny floral wreath whirling down to the ocean. I admit I was ill prepared for the dramatic response to the loss of our little school. I shuffle the kids out so as not to be traumatized by daddy’s hysterics. I look over at C and say, “You need to give them a hug, they’re taking this hard.” “I’m trying!!” He snorts. Man, this parenting thing, we’re knocking it out of the park!
Monthly Archives: August 2013
Summer Slump
At times I imagine I’m capable of being all cavalier and professing I have no shame in humbly admitting my failings as a parent. Alas, this would make me a liar, liar pants on fire. The reality is, I’ve never been so afraid of failing at anything in my life as I am with this gig, being a mom. I lose sleep. Lots of sleep. I have whiskey in the pantry and my Bible by the bed. I cannot. mess. this. up. And yet, I do. Daily. Now you know.
While there’s not been bloodshed, say for the droplets from my own eyes that I’ve just poked out of my head, it has reached a fever pitch here at the Cole House. If whining and nit-picking were an Olympic sport, we’d take gold. Solid 24K. It’s maddening. No, no, that’s not accurate. It makes me apoplectic. (Grab your Webster’s. No here, let me help: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/apoplectic). I can handle arguing, I can handle yelling, I can even handle the occasional brawl. But the acutely self-absorbed mentality that has afflicted my children of late, I cannot do. And why, you ask, have they been recently plagued with this solipsism? (Here ya go: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/solipsistic) Because I messed up, that’s why. Yep, it was me who unwittingly invited this horror into our home.
It happened last week. I was chatting with a friend. I let loose and boasted with reckless abandon! “Well, we’ve just had a really great Summer so far, the kids are getting along swimmingly!” At the time, thunderous laughter erupted in the heaven’s, I thought it was my children frolicking upstairs. But, no, it was fate peeing its pants at my brazen display of ignorance. And so, here we are. The tables have turned flipped violently. I don’t even know my children anymore. Who are these people in my house!?? Selfish! Mean! Demanding! Rude! I won’t have it! You don’t want to share your Legos? FINE! Then yer gonna have to shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine cuz I don’t ever want to see them AGAIN! (No, no, I would never say that. Not within earshot of the children anyway.) Your hotdog is cold? Ooopsy, sorry mama failed to hit reheat on the micro over and over while you enjoyed Minecraft! EAT. YOUR. DOG!
And so, I confess the error of my ways. I eat my humble pie with a whiskey chaser. When my kids return to normal, and they will, I vow to NEVER again boast at good behavior. I will keep it secret. I will build a mote around the sanctity that is a quiet household. I will sit by the window with my cup of tea and relish privately in the peace. And when my neighbors drive by and see me smiling with my Earl Grey, I will scream wildly and duck to the floor! Because never again will I invite this curse into my home!
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